Understanding the Mourning Process Through the Four Tasks of Mourning

By Xiaojing (Lucy) Ma, AMFT

When we experience a significant loss, beneath the feeling of sadness and shock, it is also common to feel a range of other feelings such as anxiety, fear, despair, guilt, regret, anger, loneliness, and helplessness.  We, mourners, can feel lost and empty in life and even doubt the meaning of life.  Although we grieve differently in our own styles and paces, it can be helpful if we understand grief work from psychologist William Worden’s model called “Tasks of Mourning.”

By choosing the word mourning, Dr. Worden emphasized that it is an adapting process that a griever goes through after a loss. Furthermore, in the mourning process, he chooses to use “tasks” instead of “stages” or “phases.” He argues that many people do not process grief in a linear way, but the stage/phase approach implies a mourner must passively go through a series of stages/phases before the final resolution of mourning. In other words, Dr. Worden selects the term “task” for his bereavement model because he wants to increase the mourners’ sense of taking action in the mourning process. He also claims that his task model does not need to be addressed in the linear order.

Dr. Worden has been updating his theory in the past four decades and his newest version of the four tasks of mourning published in 2018 includes:

Task 1:   To Accept the Reality of the Loss

Task II:  To Process the Pain of Grief

Task III: To Adjust to a World without the Deceased

Task IV: To Find a Way to Remember the Deceased While Embarking on the Rest

of One’s Journey Through Life

Now, let’s take a look at each task and see how we may use his model as guidance in grief work.

In the first Task of “To Accept the Reality of the Loss,” reality and acceptance are two key points. Grieving people may find it surreal that our loved ones have gone. It takes a while for us to truly accept the reality. We can also alternate between belief and disbelief in the fact of the death of our loved ones. On one hand, our cognition tells us the person has gone; on the other hand, we feel the person is still alive and everything has been the same and deny the loss. Subconsciously, we may operate on a denial defense mechanism to protect our psychological well-being. Some common examples observed among the bereaved include retaining the deceased’s possessions in an obsessive way, immediately removing all reminders of the deceased, selectively forgetting the deceased, or discussing the deceased in present tenses, and describing stigmatized death (e.g., suicide, overdose) as accidents, etc. This is all understandable if we can understand what is really going on inside the bereaved, who has a story to tell.  The loss also triggers some other unresolved psychological wounds for the bereaved. The bereaved need time and space to process the change and the loss and should not be judged. 

Acceptance is also a task for the bereaved to do eventually. Psychologist Dr. Paul Wong states that recovery begins with acceptance and “denial kills whereas acceptance heals.” He further explains that acceptance does not mean giving up hope or change but acknowledging the constraints of reality and accepting the things we cannot change.

The second task of mourning is “To Process the Pain of Grief.” Ignoring painful feelings does not make them disappear. Grief can stir up many feelings such as sadness, fear, anxiety, anger, regret, shame, etc. Grief can also amplify many other past unresolved issues in our psyche. We are encouraged to face our feelings and then learn some healthy coping strategies to handle our distress. Grief expert David Kessler argues that one thing in common among grievers is that grief needs to be witnessed. The bereaved need to be understood on a deeper level and we even can use grief work as an awakening experience to make some transformation.

  In task number three of “To Adjust to a World without the Deceased,” Dr. Worden means that “a person needs to redefine the self and relearn ways to engage with the world without the deceased.”  He lists three areas of adjustment that need to be dealt with after losing a loved one: external adjustments, internal adjustments, and spiritual adjustments. In the cases of spouse loss, external adjustments include but are not limited to, living alone, raising children alone, suffering from financial loss, playing roles that the deceased performed in the past, etc. Many mourners have to develop new life skills and coping strategies. The internal adjustment task involves adjusting to the sense of self, redefining our identity, resetting life goals, and finding answers for questions such as “Who am I now?” “What is the purpose and meaning in the rest of my life?”  The spiritual adjustment in Worden’s model refers to re-adjusting one’s basic beliefs and one’s fundamental life values. This type of spiritual challenge often occurs in sudden deaths, especially in massive shootings or the event of September 11, 2001. The survivors’ sense of their familiar and benevolent world is shattered. They doubt the meaning of life and their own self-worth, etc.  The goal of readjusting to the world without the deceased is to search for the new meaning of the survivor’s life and regain some control of one’s life. Post-trauma growth can occur after the loss if we choose to do so.

There is a change made by Dr. Worden in his latest edition regarding Task Four of “To Find a Way to Remember the Deceased While Embarking on the Rest of One’s Journey Through Life.” His previous statement for this task was “To Find an Enduring Connection With the Deceased in the Midst of Embarking on a New Life”. This change appears to be subtle yet carries important meaning and messages. The new statement further validates the deceased’s role in the survivors’ lives and acknowledges that the deceased ones have been part of the survivors’ lives. The survivors also need to remember they are still independent beings after all and need to take responsibility for themselves. Dr. Worden encourages the mourners not to “give up their relationship with the deceased, but to find an appropriate place for the dead in their emotional lives- a place that will enable them to go on living effectively in the world.”  People can learn to gradually shift the focus from loss to recovery; to re-discover motivations to continue living and pursuing a fulfilled and meaningful life.

The four tasks of mourning offer a roadmap for the grieving journey. Life is full of various unexpected challenges. Learning to accept adversities and challenges with a resilient mindset gives us a special meaning and purpose in our lives. 

References

Kessler, D. (2019). Finding meaning: The sixth stage of grief. Scribner.
Wong, P. (2012). The human quest for meaning: Theories, research, and applications (2nd ed.). Routledge.
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief counseling and grief Therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (5th ed.). Springer Publishing Company. (Original work published 1983)